Ways to Annoy Lord Voldemort
by alyssialui
Summary: i see tons of these all over the place. thought id post my own. ideas are welcome
1. Chapter 1

**1. When hes having an evil moment, ask him if its THAT time of the month. **

**2. Act like his mom and say, "If you eat all your veggies,I'll let you go out with your little death-eater friends on your killing spree" **

**3. Say "Havent I taught you anything, thats not how you torture a muggle!!" **

**4. When he gives you an order, say things like "Yes sir", "Right sir", "You got it sir". **

**5. When hes telling of how he got where he is, say things like "Hallelujiah" , "Praise the Lord", "so true", "thats unbelievable" **

**6. While hes giving instructions, start humming the Harry Potter theme song reeeaally loudly. **

**7. Say how come he doesnt have his own movie?? **

**8. When hes instructing you personally, talk back to him with a really fake indian accent and insist thats not the way to speak the proper English. **

**9. When hes punishing a hostage in his dungeon, say "My grandma could punish someone better than you" **

**10. Shout during a death-eater meeting "The voices in my head say hi, Volders" **

**11. Throw him a surprise party celebrating the "Day he let the boy live". Give him a card that says, "To the Man Who Let The Boy Live. Dont feel too bad, WE still fear you" **

**12. Mail him hate mail and sign Lucius' name. **

**13. Send him a valentine and sign it "From your secret admirer. Look for me at the next deatheater meeting. I am the one wearing the black cloak and mask" **

**14. Follow him around like an announcer, say things like "Now hes turning left", "that was so unexpected." "Can he keep up with his surprises?" "Just what will he think of next." **

**15. Dye all the death-eater robes PINK. **

**(Suggested by: Ussagi811 - Afterwards, add flowers and invite the deatheaters to a tea party) **

**16. Walk up to him one day and say "I know this wonderful psychologist. He did wonders for me, maybe he can help you" **

**17. Say, "Voldie, you need to loosen up a little. Lets bake cookies and have a slumber party with your little death-eaters. They look like they could go for some stress relief too" **

**18. When hes annoyed by these and his face gets red, say " Ill go get you some Pepto Bismol, you look like you need it" **

**19. Organize a scavenger hunt around the headquarters and say "Its just like what you did with the horcruxes, isnt it?" **

**20. If he has failed on one of his killing-sprees, rub his shoulders and coo in his ear "Oh Voldie, had a rough night" (you can also say, "I knew you couldnt do it" and get your money from a fellow deatheater you made the bet with) **

**21. Say, "Wouldnt it be so much better for everyone if you just gave up and we all moved to the Bahamas. I hear theyre having a special on one-way group flights" **

**22. When he sends you on a mission, send him letters every day saying, "Voldie-poo, I miss you so much", "Voldie,I cant wait to see you again" **

**23. When he sends drinks around during a meeting, say "But Volders, I wanted a coke" **

**24. One day, walk up to him and say, "You should really think of getting a dog, you look lonely" **

**25. Say, "Volders, lets go clubbing. Im gonna get you hooked up for the night. If things come to it, Ill spike them with a love potion. You really need someone. I just hope the person doesnt go crazy with the amount of love potion Ill have to give them" **

**26. Walk around the headquarters with a video camera. Call the movie "The Days of the Torture of Voldemorts Face". Get many closeups for the beginning of the movie. **

**27. When you get an award for your movie, your acceptance speech should end "and last but not least, I would like to thank my tormentor, Lord Voldemort, because without his ugly face, none of this could be possible. Thank you" **

**28. When hes just about to fall asleep, shout outside his bedroom, "Good night Tommy, Dont let the bedbugs bite. you have your bunny Mr. Whiskers with you right." **

**29. When hes just about to leave for his killing-spree of the night, say "Could you pick me up a tub of ice cream on your way back. Thanks" **

**30. Say, "You so really think of painting these walls sunshine yellow, grey is so depressing, maybe even adding some paintings would help" **

**31. When hes instructing you say, "Oops, were you talking to me?". Do this several times. **

**32. Insist on calling him "Volders", "Voldie-poo", "Honey", "Baby" **

**33. When he talks to you, answer everything in questions. **

**34. When its snowing, go outside and get some snowballs. Run back inside shouting, "The British are coming. The British are coming". Proceed with throwing snowballs at them. **

**35. Make breakfast for Volders and put it in the shape of a smiley-face. **

**36. Bake him cupcakes and keep getting up in face to eat some. If he finally agrees (just to get you away), pick up one and shove it in his face. RUN!! You can proceed to do this to other deatheaters, if they are "willing". **

**37. In the summer, insists on the deatheaters to go on a vacation. The day they are supposed to get back, smash the place and say "Where have you been!!?? You just left me and then the Order came and ransacked the place. I was just lucky not to be found. How could you just leave me!!!" Start crying uncontrollably. **

**38. Insist on another vacation, this time go with them to Jamaica. Make a sandcastle and get Volders to come and see. Name the castle, "Lord Voldemorts Domain (actual size)" **

**39. Challenge him to a game of Quidditch. **

**40. When he loses, say things like "You tried your hardest... but IT JUST WASNT GOOD ENOUGH" Laugh in his face.**


	2. Chapter 2

**41. Fill up a bucket with water. When he sits down, walk behind him and go "Whoops" Pour the water all over his head. **

**42. Introduce him to a computer, but say its one of the newest in wizarding technology. When hes hooked, tell him its really a muggle device. Watch him run to the bathroom to go take a shower. **

**43. Ask him, "What if you just admitted that Harry Potter is greater that you?? You know what they say, you should never speak ill of your superiors" **

**44. Say, "Voldie-poo, you ever thought of buying a wig. I suggest a blonde one, then it would match your intelligence" **

**45. Get new furniture for the headquarters. Make sure the deatheaters move the furniture in WITHOUT any magic. When everythings finally set up say "Naw, I liked it the way it was, put everything back" **

**46. Say, Whats up with this "lord" stuff?? How about we just call you "king", "emperor", or my personal favourite "voldie-bunny"? **

**47. Now this one is when your really desperate to get on his nerves: Go up to him and KISS him. When its over say, "So sorry but nothing"("Ewww, snake breath" or "You know, in some countries this is considered as child abuse" and slapping him across the face could also work. **

**48. Say, "If your so great, how come you cant fly" **

**49. If he somehow manages to get a girl and she dumps him, say "im sorry voldie, i thought she was the one. I cant believe I was wrong..again, but ill get it right next time" **

**50. After you find out hes been torturing someone in the dungeons, say "When did you plan on telling me Voldie, but thats no way to treat your pets" **

**51. Force him, by any means necessary, to watch "The Prancing Princess" with you. **

**52. For his birthday, buy him a Barney doll and say "Isnt it what youve always wanted" **

**53. At dinner, put a pie in front of him. Go behind him and push him face first into the pie. (Any flavour is acceptable) **

**54. When he goes for a swim in his pool, just as hes about to jump in (DONT PUSH HIM IN) go quietly up behind him and shout "boo". **

**55. When youre flying to your next killing-spree site, every 5 minutes say, "Are we there yet?" (you can also go "pop" every once in a whilelike Donkey from Shrek 2) **

**56. Make up a theme song and every time he finishes a plan, sing it in his ears. **

**57. During a meeting, burst through the doors and sit on Voldies lap and start a staring contest with him. When he starts to get mad say "I won" **

**58. Run around him singing "I know a song that gets on everybodys nerves,..." while making funny faces. **

**59. Say to a fellow deatheater, "Tell me, what kind of idiot would want to talk to a snake. I mean, they cant be that good to talk to. But then again, thats what you could expect from SOMEONE". Stare at him while saying this. **

**60. Jus walk up to him and say "You know youre really stupid. You could have been very successful but you just blew it all away to rule the world. Look where thats got you now. Sharing a body with a coward" (you can also just say," you know youre really ugly") **

**61. When he talking say "Thats what you think." **

**62. When hes around, imitate a siren. **

**63. Make beeping noises when hes backing up. **

**64. When hes finished talking to you, say "This conversation is officially over" and clamp your hands over your ears. **

**65. When hes counting, start shouting random numbers. **

**66. Say, "Wouldnt you like to know." everytime he asks you a question. **

**67. Learn morse code and talk to him entirely in Beeps. **

**68. Talk to him like a robot. **

**69. Start your meal by licking all of your food and saying "Now no one will even THINK of swiping my food" **

**70. Sniffle incessantly. **

**71. Talk to him entirely in Spanish/French. **

**72. Paint his room pink and say "I thought you liked the colour" **

**73. Say, "If you continue to throw this tantrum, i wont give you back Mr. Whiskers" **

**74. Run around the headquarters opening and slamming doors. **

**75. Send evil owls and bunnies to nip at him every 5 minutes in his sleep. **

**76. Do any of these things to annoy him and then say "The voices in my head told me this would work. Are they smart or what??well I did teach them everything they know" **

**77. Go up to him and ask him if you can borrow any "female" items. **

**78. Tell him all about what the voices in your head say. Name them and say things like, "Gwen said...", "Dean said...", "You wouldnt believe what Gerard said about you..." **

**79. Invite him to a costume party. Insist he buys a costume. When he comes (wearing the costume), walk over to him and whisper, "the costumes party tomorrow" **

**80. Say, "You should really do something about that face of yours"**


	3. Chapter 3

**81. Another really desperate one: Change your hair colour. Run up to him, during a deatheater meeting, and say "You thought you could get away with not having to pay child support. What about little Tonya and little Tommy thats coming along?? If you think youre let me have YOUR baby without you there, YOU have another thing coming" and drag him out of the room by his ear. **

**82. Strap him to a chair and force him to watch "The Barney Show" or "Teletubbies". **

**83. Aim spitwads at his head when hes not looking. **

**84. Whenever he walks by, hiss and say "I hoipe I said something mean" **

**85. Follow him around insisting to show him a card trick. **

**86. If you are a muggle, try to sneeze on him. **

**87. If he "seems" bored, start singing "Amazing Grace" loudly in his ears. **

**88. Cook a big dinner for the deatheater meeting. When he comes in say "thats not for you" and give him a plate with a slice of bread and cheese and continue eating your big dinner with the other deatheaters. **

**89. Say "No matter what you do, youll never look as hot as that hunk Harry Potter" **

**90. Knock him out with a sleeping potion. When he wakes in a few hours up frighten him by saying "YOUVE BEEN SLEEPING FOR 5 MONTHS!"! (you could also add "Harry has also found out your one and only weakness (which is to take away your Mr. Whiskers) and the Orders outside. We have to go now.") **

**91. Hide his wand. Watch him suffer while he tries to put his clothes on by himself. **

**92. Levitate him and make him stranded in a very high tree. **

**93. Say "Volders, you look like you need a hug". Proceed to hug him. **

**94. Another really desperate one: Go up to him a give him a LONG PASSIONATE kiss. Just when your getting into it, leave him there and run the other way to the bathroom to wash out the horrible taste in your mouth. **

**95. Say "Voldie, you really let yourself go" **

**96. When all the deatheaters are on a mission, buy some pictures of daisies and ponies and hang them in every room of the headquarters. **

**97. Continuously compare him to Harry Potter. **

**98. Get him a T-shirt that has Harrys face on it and say "President of the Harry Potter Fan Club" **

**1. Say Volders, wands are so over. Heres a lightsaber **

**2. Walk up to him with a smile on your face and say I smile becuase youre ugly **

**3. Say, It worries how dumb you are because you cant even conquer a teenager **

**4. Go out and buy him a ballerina outfit and give it to him saying this would look really cute on you, wouldnt it voldie" **

**1. Float a picture of Harry over his head and say "got Potter on the brain??" **

**2. Say "Ever thought of starting a musical career? Since you suck at everything else, what have you got to lose??" **

**3. Thought this is a old classic trick, tape a 'kick me' sign on his butt. **

**4. Set him up on a blind date with a FAT bald man(only person whod go on a date with him). **

**5. Volenteer him for a church bake-sale. **

**6 .Mock him with the slogan, "Volders (Folgers), nothing comes closer to home" **

**7. Every time you pass him say "I know all about your little problem" in an eerie voice. You can also say "Im watching you" while shifting your eyes. **

**8. Follow him around with a camera yelling "PAPARAZZI!! PAPARAZZI!!" **

**9. Brush out your toes or the bathroom (which evers dirtier at the moment) with his toothbrush (if he has one). **

**10. Burst into his office shout "Theres a stampede of mad alien bunnies approaching. Run for your lives!!" **

**11. after he comes home from yet another failed atempt at killing Harry, hold up a phone and say "There's a person I would like you to meet.His names Anakin and he can kill Harry." **

**12. at random moments when he is sitting, run over to him, jump into his lap, and tell him your x-mas list. repeat several items on the list many times. **


	4. Extra

**A/N: This is a chapter devoted to entries readers have submitted to this story. This story is complete, as said by its status, but some dont read that part now do they?? I have now given them the final say in this story. If anyone else has anymore after this, talk to me and i might arrange something. We need to fill this page**

**For others, enjoy others entries at your own free will. I cant be held responisible if you are shocked/develop seizures for what you are about to read. But they arent that awful. Really simple, funny entertainment. Plus its only 3. I just had to give a small space for _MintandSpice DownUnder. _She obviously loves the story but since there wouldnt be anymore chaps, hers wouldnt be included. If you think this is stupid then leave. I dont want you here anyways.**

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**Submitted by _MintandSpice DownUnder:_**

1. On a random date, give him a birthday card saying "Happy 80th Birthday!" cause that is ALMOST his age. Afterwads, say "You know, Harry Potter is like a fifteenth your age...

2. Refer to Voldemort as 'The Green Blob' 'cause he's green.

3. When he yells at you, put anything you may have at hand over your head and scream 'It's Erupting!'

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**Submitted by _free-birds fly at midnight:_**

4. Act out a scene from Potter Puppet Pals with one of your friends when Lord Moldybut starts ranting about how to kill Potter.

5. Constantly poke him when your bored, and when he asks you to stop point at whatever is next to you.

6. Sing 'Oh Tommy Boy' in the middle of a death eater meeting and dedicate it to him.

7. Give him a wig for Christmas and insist he wear it.

8. Die the wig blue, his robes pink, his wand yellow, paint his room a bright Gryffindor red, and put a tye-dye sign on his bedroom door announcing that the Fluffy Bunny Rainbow King lives in there.

9. Insist on calling him Fluffy Bunny Rainbow King, Fluffy Bunny King, Rainbow King, Bunny Rainbow King, Kingie, Rainbow Voldie, or anything else like that.

10. Giggle while your running for your life, and constantly mock him by saying things like, "My grandma has better aim than you."


End file.
